I Did the Thing I Wasn't Supposed to Do
I did the thing many experts say you should NEVER do at the end of the year. The last week of 2022, you know the one between Christmas and New Years where every day is an oblivion, I indulged in EVERYTHING and anything I rarely eat during the year- cookies, coquito every day, Cuban crackers with my coffee, and bread…so much bread- every day all day.
At first it was, “ONE day isn’t going to kill me.” Then it turned into, “neither was two, or three, or wait, I’m going to get back on track next week so I will just enjoy it all now because I won’t be doing it then.”
<insert deep sigh here>
But then the following week, it was haaaard to cut it all out. First it was the sweets, which I usually am not a huge fan of. I had sugar cravings on top of my normal carb cravings (in case you haven’t picked it up, I love all things carbs) so there was no way I would even consider cutting the carbs out until I get these sweet cravings out of my system.
In 3 weeks,
I gained 6 pounds. SIX more pounds to add to the already planned weight loss for the new year.
The disappointment in myself has me off my game ever since. My mind has been scattered. I’ve been especially disorganized, and follow through has been nonexistent.
See I still, after all the work I’ve done, find myself tying my weight to my worth. I thought I had overcome this issue but after putting on Covid weight and being the highest weight I have been in a LONG time, I’ve felt all those feelings come rushing back- especially since the pounds seem even more difficult to get off these days.
I wish it weren’t true, but it affects everything- my happiness, my desire to do more challenging things, my willingness to go out and be seen. Yes- I have days when I wish I could just stay inside until I get my shit together. It’s possible that it all could be exacerbated by my usual depression this time of year, but no matter what the reason, I have to get control of it.
So I spent the last few days really digging into my thoughts and feelings to see why I can’t seem to get on track.
What am I feeling inside, besides “I don’t like how I look?”
I feel like I’m failing every day that I don’t eat as clean as I used to, repeat the same unhealthy habits (anxious eating), and feel too wore down to get in 40 minutes of exercise.
With every imperfection since, I was further confirming, with my thoughts and actions, that I am failing. That I can’t do this. I’ve made it easier for me to “give up” and try again tomorrow. Or Monday.
Then I realized other things that I’ve been thinking and feeling since the new year.
I didn’t make all the progress I would’ve liked last year. The last 4 months were particularly hard even though it was my favorite season of the whole year. There was a lot going on. So the majority of my thoughts have been focused around that.
I’m still dealing with an overbooked schedule, two children who are at two different schools on two different schedules with two different sets of practices and rehearsals. What is going to make this year different? How will I make more progress this year? Make the changes I want? What can you do about your episodes of depression and outside factors and forces infringing on my time and energy?
If I truly believe that we have the power to create the life we want, then who TF is this woman in my head?
Because she had already determined this year was going to be a bust and she damn sure wasn’t recognizing all the control she could take.
No it sounds like I had instead decided that I was being controlled by my schedule, by my moods, by my depression, and by the thoughts I was not only having, but accepting as truth.
The spiraling of thoughts, emotions and then actions or lack thereof, were leading me further down the rabbit hole instead of bringing me out of the dark.
I can’t believe I’m here again. All my past effort was a waste.
I can’t believe I am STILL carrying this weight. I’m never going to get it off.
I’ve messed up so much already, what I need is to quit and start again when I’m feeling better about myself.
Thoughts like these lead to worse feelings which lead to damaging actions.
I reminded myself of the power we all hold inside.
Each day I wake up and I’m at a weight I don’t want to be at, spending more hours in one business than the business I want to be working on, enjoying a life that is good, but I want to be better, I have one of two choices to make:
I can love myself where I am, knowing with that love, I can continue to create the best version of me, the one that makes me happy one (no matter how small) step at a time.
I can pick myself apart and allow my thoughts to create emotions and actions that make me feel useless, worthless, hopeless.
Are you finding it hard to get started or get back on track after the new year? What choice are you making every morning?
Focusing on your former shortcomings, trying to do things the SAME way you tried to do them before (and were unsuccessful), allowing your thoughts and feelings dictate what your future is going to be like ALL ways of getting in our own way.
Pay attention to your thoughts and what you are making them MEAN about you and your abilities to succeed. Take a few days to really listen and focus on the thoughts, and then the feelings/emotions that follow, along with any actions.
If they aren’t helping, change them. You control your mind and yes, you CAN control your thoughts.
It may not be easy, but it’s doable.
It’s time to get out of your own way.